Today’s Rant: Mass Domestic Beer and Patriotism

Let me tell you something. I love beer. It is a wonderful beverage. And I’m not just talking about the alcohol content. Fermentation is a nigh-miraculous process that produces some of the most delicious foods on Earth. Cheese, wine, beer. Mmm. A cool lager on a hot summer day, a nice porter on a cold winter’s night or a pale ale at the pub with your friends. What could be better?

I am a beer snob. But only inasmuch as beer has drawn the rep of the lowbrow drink. That image is being repaired with hundreds of microbreweries across America and finally people are starting to wake up to the fact that beer can be just as complex and rewarding as wine, and a hell of a lot cheaper. As for “pairings?” Heh. Even a wine connoisseur who is a friend of my mom’s says the best wine to pair with a meal is a wine you like. But I digress.

The mass produced domestic beer here in America has got to be the worst beverage ever made. It is watery, tasteless swill that I can hardly stand to drink. It’s sole “redeeming” feature is that it has alcohol in it. And it’s cheap. But frankly, I’d rather take shots of Popov straight then have to chug down Keystone Light after Keystone light to get drunk, and I can still save money that way. I mean, who are you fooling?

So why do people insist on chugging down what I can only describe as barley juice, since I detect no malting, no hopping, and no fermentation when I drink it? Well, the main reason is the absolutely brilliant and unscrupulous marketing campaign these monster breweries shove at us. Particularly the idea that you can’t “trust” a cloudy beer. See, those “clouds” in there? Those are flavor particles. Maybe you’ve heard of them? Yeah, watch out for ales. Those things are dangerous! This is nothing more than misinformation. Beer advertising is the most flagrantly false advertising I have seen for any product. And “light beer?” There’s no such thing. Which is to say, light beer is not beer. You want to save calories? Don’t drink beer. It’s not good for those on a diet, no matter how much flavor they cut out of it.

Then these marketing assholes play up this incredible idea that a good old working American Joe don’t need no fancy beer in a bottle. If it was good enough for yo Daddy then it’s good enough for you. No sissified Englishman’s gonna tell you what to drink, no sir.

This is the same type of thinking that fuels the unreasoning pseudo-patriotism that replaces genuine reflection on what loyalty means and replaces it with yelling loudly at foreigners. These mindless drones have no idea what real patriotism means because they’ll never do the research they need to figure out that patriotism means criticism when the government gets out of whack. I’ll give you a great example of what real loyalty is.

As you may or may not know, Confucianism teaches filial piety, which in modern English basically means revering and respecting your superiors in whatever situation, be it your parents, your elders, or your lord. In the case of your lord, the Chinese don’t bow out with saying that you keep your yap shut and never disagree with him. No. That’s cowardice. To Confucius, you speak your mind and advise him even if it means you get your head cut off. See, that’s loyalty. You think he does something wrong, you tell him, because that’s the core of true loyalty. Not blindly obeying outrageous verdicts.

I don’t particularly think the Chinese government deserves that kind of loyalty at the moment, but Confucianism is probably long out of style there anyway.
So in short, playing up the idea that morons can show their loyalty to this government by buying the worst beer in history is one of the most irritating things I can imagine. These poor bastards lock themselves off from a world of flavor. They don’t understand that beer brewing is an art just like wine making and can bring just as much satisfaction at a fraction of the cost.

Goddamnit.